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V CUCC Crusaders

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Another season and the last of getahundred. Enough, enough….

 Love cricket though I do, chronicling it in this way isn’t healthy. All blogging is an illness and no amount of self awareness hides that. Get your kicks reading other bloggers is the way ahead I think.  And some writers out there, do it well and better than you; none more so than Old Batsman, Jarrod Kimber and others who I should mention and will mention, blogroll later.

First game of the season today- has been for some time-  in Cambridge against the university 2nds; the Crusaders. The mob I play this game for use to play the colleges in a pre-season tour over a week. 

And it was 15 years ago I met a Motherwell shirted - or was it Clyde? -  bald, drunk Scotsman in a college bar after a game. He was aggressive, abusive and great fun. Irvine he said his name was.

After a night of hard drinking with one of our players who got on famously with him, he handed over a signed copy of his book.  That player, a young 60 year old  insurance broker then read bits of the book- Trainspotting, I think- to us, the next day in the dressing room.

‘Rubbish, the stuff that gets published these days’ was the standard response. You suspect that Welsh, had he started writing in the Internet age might have tried blogging. But how would you have come by his work? At the St Catharine’s College bar?

There was no chance of getting this hundred. We needed 70 odd to win when I got in. Still went out there and had a whirl with a limited edition Stuart Surridge jumbo as part of a kit review I was doing for a new gig I’ve talked my way into.

The story of Stuart Surridge’s decline in the 90s (they were bought by a rival and mothballed) is arguably a metaphor- a crap one- for the shift of power eastward in cricket. While Surridge languished for a decade, in that vacuum an Indian SS - Sareen Sports Sunridges, which should should make it SSS no?- took over to become the brand globally recognised as SS in cricket.

 Not since the fictional Cleo Mcdowell named his fast food chain Mcdowell’s, gave them golden arches, Big Mics not Big Macs, and claimed that defining difference was that his buns had no sesame seeds to fight copyright suits, has one brand coincidentally shared so many similarities with another.

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Pakistan postponed

Sunday, January 3, 2010

The plan to play cricket  in Pakistan this winter is in umbrae.  To blame?  Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. Why? A foreign education, a brief-very brief- study of Arabic at a lifestyle college* in the past,  my former occupancy of the family home in London, my current residential proximity to an infamous Mosque,  multi-citizenship and part moslem parentage- all this added to a previously declared desire to ‘travelplaycricketwrite’ in Pakistan has finally brought me under the gaze of  MI5. A  detention order under the  2006 Terrorism act is imminent. 

Injecting oneself into global events? Very sad I know but it’s fair to say now’s not the best time to visit Pakistan as a Nigerian.  Didn’t want to head to Pakistan with my American passport and until a week ago, the Nigerian one was a good bet.  Despite eligibilty for a UK passport, I doubt that document is viewed with neutrality should things get dicey. Still I’m glad the security services have got my number and finally no fly listed me.

*Aforementioned lifestyle college ran a school with a Centre for Terrorism, where lots of foreigners like me were taught by experts in terror.

 

 

 

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Up before the beak

Monday, October 26, 2009

With gentle persistence writers, bloggers, etc choose their words to portray themselves as likable, admirable, lovable even. If people like what they read, they might possibly like, admire, love you, is the rationale, I think.  The aim here is different; to prove I’m a conceited knave, quarrelsome and disagreeable sod. These failings spill out in my run-in with that paragon of modern virtue: the  Middlesex County Cricket League and its disciplinary committee.

October 13th. Charlie Puckett, Hon Sec of the Middlesex league writes : “at Ealing CC on 1st October, the decision of the committee was to suspend Mr Redfern for a period of two weeks, effective from the start of the 2010 season…..Please advise Mr Redfern that he has the right to appeal …”

 Appeal the same penalty as team mate who said ‘either you’re ***king blind, or you’re a ***king cheat or you don’t know what you’re ***king doing’ at the umpire. Hard not to bore at length on this matter. Click here  for ‘previous’.

MCCL players, gonna dissent? Do it liberally. Penalty is the same. Don’t question the technical knowledge of the umpire as I did: ‘that’s pitched a foot outside leg stump, how can you give that’?

 Curse like mandarin Richard Mottram. He of ‘we’re ***ked, you’re ***kcked, I’m ***ked, we’re all ***ked’ fame. Or opt for a grammatical gem: ‘umpire you ***king ***ked ***k ***king ***ked up’.  

Oppo alleged I swore at the umpire. Non-striker and square leg umpire said that didn’t happen. Gotta believe them. They confirmed the poetry of  my team mate- the other bad boy. Good witnesses no? Sadly they couldn’t help with oppo fine leg who claimed that within his earshot, sometime after my dismissal I said “your umpire is a ***king disgrace”. I denied this. 

“Only evidence not in doubt is I showed some dissent and you’ve got to decide how serious it was”, I said 

“Yes that’s right” said committee chairman. 

“Next on agenda; comments in your blog”.

“You’ve no authority”, I said.

”Yes we do”, said chairman, who cited section 2 para b (ii) disputing an umpire’s decision or reacting in an obviously provocative or disapproving manner towards the umpire at any time. “At any time” covered the internet they claimed.

Cos I’m the hero of my own story, surf my own arc, I pointed their eyes to the paragraph governing the sub paragraph they cited: each player shall conduct himself with the spirit of the game on the field at all times………. the field shall include any part of the cricket ground and not merely the field of play. That’s your remit; the field of play, not the net. Anyone can comment, rant interminably there unless you change your laws to cover it. Good luck on that one. MCCL bans opinion on world wide web.

But the committee innocently questioned blog didn’t they? Not looking for more rope to hang with were they? No. It took genius to spot the all important framing paragraph that precedes by two lines the one chairman cited. Not a sign of stercorem pro cerebro habes was it? No not a sign. Appeal the decision? At £50, I’d rather join the BNP. I’ll sit here on mount self martyrdom feeling superior, looking down and enjoying the view beneath.

Disciplinary committee: Bob Fisher, Clifford Pile, Roger Kingdon

Convenor: Charlie Puckett Hon Sec.

 

 

 

 

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No Cross, No Crown

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Hard Times. Hard Times. We live in hard times -we’re told daily- and with winter, ever closer each morning, day dreams of a season abroad won’t go away. On hard, flat decks overseas, the first ton? Sri Linka, Windies or India, ideally. But comfort zones won’t do. My gonzo cricket writing pretensions (a unique fancy) tell me Pakistan. Yes I dream of Pakistan. I dream of Pakistan. No one else in the world of cricket wants to go there. Perfect, perfect Pakistan where I can return with tall tales about my exploits and eat all the  Nihari  I can stuff my face with. If I’m down the Old Kent road  in January, my dreams will have bitten the dust. Again.

 

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v Teddington, at Home

Saturday, September 5, 2009

At home. Last league match of the season. Golden duck week before. 2 ball duck day after. 3 ball duck today. Still it’s been a goodish season. I have blogged more failures than success. Failure is good for the soul and better material. I was their leg spinner’s league wicket 50. 

Getarun gags galore in dressing room after. “Next season, I said. Next season”

Winter well.

Btw, Barnet Barclays who might feel I’ve ‘vendettared’ against them all season can take comfort from their monocultural counterparts; Teddington CC, on the day, all white, all English speaking, a club bordered by large Asian communties in Hounslow, won the league. Sadly Barnet were relegated.

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v Winchmore Hill

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Golden Duck. Third of the season, on second last game of the year.

Excuse: watch vid to hear another whinging explanation.

Enjoy: Send off from opposition player.

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v Finchley

Thursday, August 27, 2009

End of season anxiety disorder has taken hold. The symptoms? A nothing to look forward to glaze in your eyes and jambes lourdes brought on by fear of  the unanswerable: what’s the point of winter? Another brilliant Finchley deck; bowled by a thirteen year old on it. After the game, the kid bowled for another hour in the nets. And they say youth is wasted on the young.

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v Eastcote

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Eascote at home. Terrorised by the Eastcote express. They had a young fast bowler who charged in and bowled everything; bouncer, yorker, slower ball, round the wicket, over it. I was dazed. I had no idea where, what  he was going to bowl. Yet fear of that ball, the one at your bonce, to anticipate it, beat it, duck it, swerve it , is indescribable. Fright and joy, all in a short breath.

Eastcote’s other opening bowler was the most most cheerful cricketer I’ve ever played against. He ran in and never stopped smiling. He plays for the England deaf XI. There’s an amusing bit on film when he signs to his skipper; rotating his wrist and pointing at me. Was he suggesting this batsman’s an Onanist or he’s wristy with a lot of bottom hand?

Perhaps he plays the game with a smile on his face because he’s not heard the awful chatter that passes in the modern cricket. Lucky, happy man.

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v Thames Valley Gentleman, at Shepherds Bush CC

Friday, August 21, 2009

The best attack I’ve ever faced in a  mid-week friendly. Two bowlers with 2000 wickets between them; Desmond Haynes and Jimmy Adams amongst them. It was testing stuff.

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v Barnet Barclays CC, away

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Where to start?  First the back story but please try to get to the end of this very long post. There’s a good punch line.

July13th. Given out at home by Barnet’s ‘umpire’- their injured vice captain I’m told. Something Barnet failed to tell the home side. Stunned by the decision,  I murmured “how’s that out”? Murmured audibly. Followed by a few seconds delay. And on my way I went. 

A rhetorical question to myself and brief shock was reported to the Middlesex County Cricket League as abuse, swearing at the umpire etc by Barnet Barclays.  Another team mate was cited for saying to the ‘umpire’  “either you’re a  f**king cheat or you don’t what you’re doing or you’re f**king blind.”  Club gave us a two match suspended ban. End of the matter?

No. Like all low drama, this took on a weak fizzling energy of  its own. Not good enough said the MCCL. We want bans not suspended bans. One player took a 2 match ban. The other player, a barrack room lawyer and professional quarreller looking for more drama to fill his blog with decided to stretch things out, fight it and see where it meandered; with any luck  a court of law, I hope. Some oxygen for the site. Redfern v Middlesex County Cricket League. What luck!

Back to the drama. June 13th game saw 4 ‘questionable’ decisions. Aug 15th had one less. But by a different umpire; their regular; their club’s Hon secretary. I have looped the best decision on the video. They’ll be using it at umpire school for years to come.  After the game, as we shook hands- we won a low scoring game by one wicket chasing 148- Barnet’s Hon Sec approached a  group huddled round the camera and asked “film the whole game did ya?”

Yes I said.

“Yeah to watch at your own leisure no doubt”, he gruffed.

Wisely said nowt. The last time we spoke -  at the end of the home game on  july 13th- was on the boundary as I made for the car.  We had a courteous chat I thought. Yet part of that natter : “you should take that bloke to all your games… you won’t be bottom of the league for long” was cited in the misdemeanour charge. Sarcasm banned  by the Middlesex County Cricket League.  They’ve got a law about conduct on the field of play with field of play meaning all areas of the ground. Lesson here. Wait till your opponents are outside the ground to share any civil or uncivil thoughts.

More hooha. After Aug 15th match child protection issues were raised about filming. Barnet claimed a sixteen year old  was playing. Cos I’m a wrong’ un I could only recall Chris Morris’s Brass eye sketch “..So is this the British Isles, or is this the Paedophiles!!? Austin Tassletine investigates….” when I heard the complaint. Dissent, abuse, paedophilia. Cricket Wahala.

Racism has also been thrown into the mix. Got a bit worried when one of  the most popular searches for June’s posts  on the site was “cheating asian teams, cheating asian umpires, sing song pakistani accent” etc. I had to rewrite bits (not the bit where I said I was a racist) of that post to please some of my own club’s officials who were  worried about the contents of the blog. Was told to make explicit this was my personal blog; to remove and change certain entries and bear certain things  in mind for future posts.  When I stopped laughing, I started laughing again, till I cried, till my throat dried.  

What next? Oct 1st at Ealing Cricket Club 6pm.Date for hearing announced mid september. Been preparing all hours; studying the league’s disciplinary code; briefing my lawyer; trying to get the league to point out where in the code it says they can call a hearing out of season for a matter that came to light during the season, which I was available to answer during the season and couldn’t answer during the season because the disciplinary committee didn’t set a date.  Any penalty has to be one for the future; to come next season surely?

Natural justice, famed British justice, will prevail naturally. Not worried  to be told  that I may have to explain comments made in the blog to MCCL. Equally thrilled that the committee’s convenor has said the blog compounded matters. No prejudice there. Procedure sound too. Authority, areas of and other words like, hell, who, they, think, are, spin in ma tiny head.

But the punch line of this twatfest is saved till last. Barnet Barclays reported two players on June 13th. There was a third offender on our side that day. Team’s not an unruly mob btw. Honest. The 3rd dissenter wasn’t cited.  Small coincidence this lad was an Urdu speaking Briton of Pakistani descent; a proper Watford boy. There was no cultural affinity between him and the Urdu speaking Barnet Barclays team; no bond shared when they spoke a little Urdu to each other after the game about his dismissal. No it  was only a coincidence Barnet Barclays sneaked on the white man and black man and left out the brown man. And I’m the racist! 

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